Seriously, how long does it take before you feel safe making plans for anything longer than a day or two away. Over the last 2 years I have attempted to make plans, only to have the universe conspire to make me break them and I just realized that for the last 6 months, I haven’t made any firm long term plans.
However, over the last couple of weeks I have arranged two dinners almost a month in advance. While that doesn’t sound outrageous, and I’ve actually made the commitment, I’m still more than slightly twitchy about it.
How do I cancel? Will I remember to cancel? What if I just don’t show up? Will they be offended? (which leads to the unpleasantness of evaluating how many times in the past have I cancelled or stood them up? Never a really self-constructive task, but on with this rant not that one.)
Now, there is no real reason I should expect to have to cancel. No issue looming in the background that I expect to crash down on my head anytime soon. Nothing that leads me to believe that the rug will be pulled out from underneath me. Well, nothing other than the fact it has happened A LOT over the last 12 months. (see previously whiny posts).
However this historic pulling-of-the-rug leaves me uncomfortable committing (now, of course, that may be a completely different issue).
But I did do it. I did commit. Does this mean I am relaxing? Does it possibly herald the end of this twelve-month stretch of “surprises”? Or does it mean the third “surprise” is just waiting in the wings for me to relax enough, make plans enough, and get comfortable enough, for it to mess me up even worse this time?
I’ve been home now for almost 2 full months straight – perhaps that is what has me twitchy. I don’t think I’ve been at home for two uninterupted months since… well… since I started going to Ottawa in October 2003. If I can make it to 4 months without a crisis pulling me away, I will be a happy happy happy girl.
Perhaps then I can comfortable make long-terms plans.
Until then… I’ll just book what makes sense, hope my friends haven’t lost all hope in me and go on a road trip to see my mommy.