Identify Theft – Problem or Opportunity

Inside Every Shadowy Woman is... 

So, now that my id has been stolen and I’ve canceled all my credit cards, I have to deal with the potential identity theft.  Canceling and replacing all the identification that’s been stolen. 

It certainly raises a series of interesting questions:

  • Does that mean I don’t exist right now? 
  • What if I decide not to reclaim my identity?  Would any one notice? 
  • What if someone steals my identity: 
    • do they have to pay my bills? 
    • can I make them do my taxes?  Please? 
    • do I get a brand new shiny identity?  Please?   
      • I think I want to be Latin this time, I’ll be able to speak Spanish and get a better tan.
  • During the reapplication for all this stuff can I tweak my identity?   
    • if I tell them that they’ve always had my birthday wrong, and I was really born on February 3rd will I get a better birthday party? (Dad would certainly corroborate this for me.)
  • can I build a brand-new persona or two to faciliate my future activites as a spy? (oops… did I say that outloud??!??)

Humm, perhaps this pickpocketing thing has opened the door for some new, exciting, overseas travel.

14 thoughts on “Identify Theft – Problem or Opportunity

  • April 2, 2007 at 4:23 pm
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    If you need a sidekick, you know where to find me…!

    Reply
  • April 2, 2007 at 4:40 pm
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    if you find a way to get a shiny new identity out of this (or get your bills paid), let us know! i’ll have to try it!

    Reply
  • April 2, 2007 at 4:41 pm
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    When I got married, I was very tempted to give myself a bizarre middle name. Too bad you’re no longer allowed to legally change your middle name due to marriage. Stupid US social security rules!
    (ever seen that episode of Friends, where Pheobe changes her name to something really odd?)

    Reply
  • April 2, 2007 at 4:47 pm
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    moggy – sidekick… identity… SuperHero! I’d never even considered the superhero possibilities. Oh this is very exciting. [p.s. last night I caught an episode of Stan Lee’s Who Wants To Be A Superhero? – Season One no less. And Season 2 is already underway… it’s seriously odd.]
    goobers18 – sure… but how will you know it’s me?
    angelanoel – you could change you middle name when you got married?!? What was that about?
    and no, haven’t seen that episode.

    Reply
  • April 2, 2007 at 10:59 pm
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    Island Girl,
    with a team of huskies and SLR,
    capturing wanton trustless criminals in the act
    and trusty sidekick __________________________
    (hey, are you taking applications for sidekicks- what’s the application fee?)

    Reply
  • April 3, 2007 at 8:35 am
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    I say Carpe Diem. Grab some shiny new material, cut out a new Lex, sew her up, try her on, and if she doesn’t fit right, just try something/someone else. I’d suggest trying a peridot coloured linen for spring.
    I am also in the midst of recreating my identity, only because I realized if I don’t maintain a firm hold on its definition, I might get caught in the suburban undertow. A friend of mine said yesterday that I’d be the sexiest mom on the block, and I think I had a petit mal seizure.

    Reply
  • April 3, 2007 at 8:36 am
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    Considering that I am a big fan of the 3 Rs (reduce, reuse, recycle), if anyone has some of their original identities left over once they finish redecorating, send some out West. I could use a new look for Spring (though it snowed here today!). So, peridot is the new colour, is it, Muggs?

    Reply
  • April 3, 2007 at 8:50 am
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    sandy – there is no application fee, but you have to supply your own tights and answer these three questions:
    – If you were a sidekick, what would your sidekick “power” be?
    – In a 6-story burning apartment building, there is a baby on the 3rd floor, an 82-year old woman on the 5th floor and a litter of puppies on the roof. What sidekick exclamative do you utter?
    – Does this costume make me look fat?
    While we appreciate all applications, we will only contact sidekick candidates we plan to interview.
    SexyInSuburbia – peridot… I’m a fan!
    One quick tip for your suburban life, if you are the most interesting person on the guest list, skip the party!
    The Greenhows – I’ll spread the word.

    Reply
  • April 4, 2007 at 9:50 pm
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    DAMN IT!!!!!
    I really just don’t know who you are anymore.
    [walking out of the room in a self righteous huff now]

    Reply
  • April 4, 2007 at 11:42 pm
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    the modern middle-age sidekick wants to look like a dancing purple sausage-
    (think Van Morrison at the Last Waltz),
    with a sidekick power,
    and a front kick power
    and a high cancan move
    that stuns them solid for an hour.
    Plus, a secret meringue twist.
    “Holy Elderly Ham Sandwich in the Juvenile Bread, Island Girl!”
    Now, where can i find those old purple tights…?
    I’ll be the sexiest dancing purple sausage on the block.

    Reply
  • April 5, 2007 at 5:07 pm
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    L.M – well… fine.
    dancing purple sausage – while your reponses have certainly piqued our interest, and you certainly seem to have many of the traits we are looking for in a sidekick, we must insist that you answer the final interview question: “Does this costume make me look fat?”

    Reply
  • April 5, 2007 at 11:47 pm
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    yes, er, um….
    we are troubled by honesty consistently, for good or ill… here goes…
    yes, this costume makes us look fat
    we are a little fat and we love us
    in my purple sausage costume, i look fat
    but you! o perambulatory leader!
    you look the very chic of sauve swauve
    (how the hell do you spell suave ??)
    you look slickly cool and dangerous!
    i challenge any other sidekick to lie as convincingly as I do!
    i will forever convincingly that you are perfectly perfect with me behind in front and all around you. or not. Whatever you like. guaranteed.
    (consider this as well; a virtual cheque for $10, left lying safely on the counter of the local Vesta Lunch counter, with the words “Take me, i love you!” clearly written over the queen’s mug… wait, it’s a cheque… no queen… no, we’ll even draw the queen on, in rayon! or crayon!)
    (gosh, this is the lowest I’ve ever sucked up in a job interview- i should’ve stuck the parking lot cleaner job…damn those squeegie toughs…)

    Reply
  • April 11, 2007 at 3:14 pm
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    Pirates, Ninjas or Cowboys?

    As mynew identity starts appearing piece-by-piece in my newly-assigned mailbox,I found myself confronted by this question: Pirates, Ninjas or Cowboys? Your browser does not support JavaScript, therefore the poll can not be rendered.Vovici Online Survey…

    Reply
  • April 17, 2007 at 6:42 pm
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    Dear applicants,
    while we found all of your applications outstanding, we are sorry to inform you that we have had to delist this job posting since we’ve decided we will
    be a pirate – arr! Hop along, Purple Pegleg Pete, we have some pillaging to git to.

    Reply

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